A Guide for Spouse Communication

Hailey Kohler
Nov 1, 2023
3 min read

Do you ever find yourself in a loop when trying to speak to your partner? Perhaps the emotions get to high, or one or more person gets "stuck" on one specific thing and struggles to move forward. Whatever the reason is, you are not alone. Communication is difficult, and oftentimes we are not provided opportunities to learn techniques, or lacked a model of good communication in our own lives. I want to provide a blog to support you! I will cover some steps that may support you, as well as, provide phrases to support continued conversation from an evidence based model, the gottman method.

First step: Set the appropriate environment for communication. Start by picking a day, time and place that feels mutually comfortable. A date that is in a private setting, or an early morning coffee at home. Each partner having a heads up that communication is going to happen can support intention, and environment can provide an ability to be vulnerable. Here is an example: A spouse tells his partner that he would like to sit down and create a budget this weekend at home with their favorite take out. (Specific time, place and topic)

I also urge you to notice if you have a pattern of having difficult conversations via text, email or phone. You're scared. This is hard. You have a right to take a break from the conversation, and return if you are feeling flooded. I do believe planning to return is the key element to breaks.

Second: Take turns sharing and use clarifying statements. Some couples can talk organically and feel heard, and sometimes you need more structure. Letting one person talk at a time can allow for full thought out statements without interruption. One person can speak, and then before the other person inserts and opinion or alternate perspective, this person can reflect back the first partners statement to ensure full understanding. Example: Partner one says, "I am not sure I want to spend the holidays with your family this year. I notice that I am not enjoying myself, and feel left out." The second partner may want to respond directly then, but first I encourage clarifying statements. "You're unsure about the holidays. Can you give me an example of something that made you feel left out?" Once the partners fully understand person one's point of view, the other partner may share something like, "I hear you, and I want to do everything I can to help you enjoy the holidays. Can we work towards a common agreement of time spent with family?"

This takes patience, and maybe even feels awkward at times. Give it a try! I have found that it reduces defensiveness and allows for more empathy.

Third: Be mindful of time and consider when a topic has either been fully covered or is needing a return conversation. Signs that a conversation is over may include; compromise, mutual satisfaction, and both partners agreeing to be complete. Signs that a conversation may need to take a pause include; emotions so heightened that they are unable to speak, think, or slow down, when alternate topics start to creep in, elevated tone such as yelling, and stonewalling (shut down). This is a normal part of communication, emotions are big, lets normalize not being able to be neutral all the time. I encourage couples to catch breaks early, and set return times. For example; I am starting to feel really over this topic and I am unsure if right now I can continue this in a productive way. Can we try again next week?

I also want to leave you with some statements that may support the conversation along the way.

When you are feeling defensive: